well... lose the descriptions of your characters unless they're very important. (in this case, they're not).
and bloody space between lines man.
and it didn't really grab me at any point.
The following is a short script that I intend to submit for production as a low budget super 16 project for college. I'd appreciate any contributions or constructive criticisms.
Thanks
FADE IN:
INT. BAR -NIGHT
It's one of Dublin's trendy nightspots. The yuppies drink overpriced bottled beer. The staff shuffle up and down disinterestedly, serving patrons.
Our focus is on three men sitting on stools, backs turned to the bar. The first man, on the left, is Bram. He's in his early to mid twenties. Bram wears a turquoise blue shirt in a tenuous attempt to dress for the occasion. In the middle sits Tony. Tony is about five years Bram's senior, slightly overweight, and speaks with a plain middle class kind of accent. He is wearing a sharp suit complete with sterling silver designer tie. He nurses a short of whiskey, sporadically sipping. Finally, to the right is Steve. Steve Has an unshaven face, and wears scruffy clothes that are uncharacteristic of his surroundings.
BRAM
What time did he say he'd meet us at?
TONY
(Looking at his watch)
Half ten. In two minutes.
The men sit in silence and we take maybe ten seconds to soak up the atmosphere. A female uniformed friendly member of staff approaches.
WOMAN
Mister Shingles will see you now.
TONY
Thank you.
The three get up and follow the woman, single file to a back room.
INT. BACK ROOM -NIGHT/MOMENTS LATER
The back room is decorated with tacky neon lights and lots of commercial imagery like maybe a playboy bunny and a framed poster of Marilyn Monroe in her trademark "dress blowing up while standing over a subway grating" pose.
The female member of the bar staff gestures for the three men to take a seat on a centrally located couch.
WOMAN
Please take a seat here, gentlemen.
They sit. Just then a large man of about 45 enters from another door wearing an immaculate white linen suit. He is Mister Shingles. Mister shingles speaks with a kind of masked contempt. He definitely wouldn't be dealing with these three under normal circumstances.
MISTER SHINGLES
(to Tony)
You must be Tony. We spoke on the phone?
TONY
Correct.
Mister shingles leans down to shake Tony's hand.
MISTER SHINGLES
Don't get up. And that would make you Bram?
BRAM
Yes.
MISTER SHINGLES
(Pointing at Steve)
And you.....
STEVE
Steve. Steven
MISTER SHINGLES
Pleasure to meet you Steven. Well first things first gentlemen. Can I get any of you a refreshment?
STEVE
Could I have a cup of coffee?
MISTER SHINGLES
(To the female member of staff)
Sophie! Get Steve here a cup of that Guatemalan, would you?
SOPHIE
Yes, Sir.
MISTER SHINGLES
Thank you so very much Sophie.
Sophie goes off somewhere to get Steve a cup of coffee.
MISTER SHINGLES (CONT'D)
(sleazily)
She's new. I'm braking her in. So I understand you have information relating to my sons whereabouts.
STEVE
Yes, he......
TONY
(interrupting Steve, whos talked out of turn)
Yes, we know where Clarence is.
MISTER SHINGLES
(In a nastier tone-of-voice)
So, where is the unruly piece of **** ?
TONY
(choosing his words carefully)
He's been staying at my place. Said he had problems with you, problems of a...personal nature. What were they, by the way?
Shingles gives Tony a long reserved stare, reaches into a pocket for his metal cigarette case, takes out a smoke and lights up.
MISTER SHINGLES
What, he didn't mention why he was hiding out from me?
INT. OFFICE - DAY
Shingles smartly dressed son, who's in his early twenties sits at a desk, opposite an equally well dressed business man. We see shingles son except a check from his. Behind him is a massive "crime watch" poster.
MISTER SHINGLES (V.O.)
He was running a scam out of my premises. He solicited donations, posing as various charities. He profited handsomely while the good shingles name was absolutely soiled and totally irreparably damaged.
INT. OFFICE - DAY
We see Shingles son in the same office, taking another check. It's been redecorated to take on a kind of maritime theme. Where the "crime watch" poster was before, we now see an "Irish Society for the preservation of rare marine life" poster.
INT. OFFICE - DAY
Shingles son accepting a check again. This time he poses as a representative of "the Irish society for the promotion of modern art". Again, there is a poster which illustrates this.
INT. HALL - DAY
Shingles son accepts a novelty oversized check from another wealthy naive business man philanthropist in a suit. They shake hands. The members of the press scatter around saturating the two with camera flash. Clarence smiles for his audience. We see the novelty oversized check:
"Ten thousand Euro's and no cents" made out to "the small children who have cancer fund".
INT. BACK ROOM - NIGHT
We come back to Steve, Bram, Tony and Mister Shingles. Just then, Sophie returns with Steve's Guatemalan coffee.
STEVE
(Slightly embarrassed at the notion of getting served coffee)
Thanks.
SOPHIE
Your welcome.
Sophie exits. Steve dollops in lots of cream and sugar.
TONY
You have to understand Mister Shingles, I owe Clarence quite alot. He helped me out when I was going through this whole rough period with my girlfriend, who, incidentally I went on to marry and is now my wife. I'm quite attached to him and I think I owe him keeping his were abouts to myself. So, if there's nothing else we'll show ourselves out.
They all get up to leave.
MISTER SHINGLES
Okay, I understand your obligation to my son. I absolutely do. But you must understand that as my son he has certain obligations to me as well. Like conducting himself honourably and not ripping off all those good people. So *you will* take me to him.
Mister Shingles pulls out a pistol and points it at the three men threateningly.
EXT. APARTMENT BLOCK - NIGHT
A car pulls up outside a fairly nice looking apartment block. Tony drives, everyone else is in the back. They all quickly get out and hastily walk towards the building.
INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT/MOMENTS LATER
The four walk up to a door. Mister Shingles holds his gun by his side as he walks.
TONY
This is it. Our apartment.
MISTER SHINGLES
Open it.
Tony takes out his key and opens the door.
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT/MOMENTS LATER
The four men enter the pitch dark apartment.
MISTER SHINGLES
Where are you, Clarence?
Mister Shingles flicks on the light switch. We see the back of a "Doctor No" style chair. The chair swings around, and we see that it's Clarence, Shingles son. Clarence is wearing a tuxedo, without a jacket or a dickey bow. The first two buttons of his shirt are undone. He swigs straight from a bottle of red wine between sentences.
CLARENCE
(in a silly, whimsical sarcastic kind of voice)
Father!
MISTER SHINGLES
Clarence.
CLARENCE
Yes?
MISTER SHINGLES
Why did you defraud those poor naive business man?
Clarence sits with a blank expression on his face.
CLARENCE
That's a nice shirt you have there bram.
BRAM
Oh this? Yeah, the sales assistant found it easy to sell to me once she said that the velcro strip made it easier for the girls to rip my shirt off.
Bram demonstrates that the shirt uses a velcro strip rather then buttons.
BRAM (CONT'D)
I'm not so convinced though. Well, I was then, but I'm not now.
CLARENCE
Very nice.
MISTER SHINGLES
Clarence, you have to start taking responsibility for your actions! What about the effect they'll have on me,did you think of that before you went conning those people. You can't just go around stealing!
CLARENCE
Well dad, I've been pondering all of this....that is, what you've taught me. And I'm sick of living in your shadow, being forced to live by the same strict code of ethics that you live by. And I'm not going to anymore.
Mister Shingles stands with a vacant look on his face
MISTER SHINGLES
I never want to see you again.
Mister shingles Leaves the apartment, shutting the door behind him.
FADE OUT
well... lose the descriptions of your characters unless they're very important. (in this case, they're not).
and bloody space between lines man.
and it didn't really grab me at any point.
and sorry but.. I don't really get the ending at all?
I think that the title itself 'Mr. Shingles Big Day Out' is in keeping with the script itself; extremely poor.
I just can't believe that ending! I really can't. Peter G- what's the point to this script? Where's the conflict, where's the drama, where's the decent dialogue? There is quite simply- no story!
My guess is that you've written it with no inspiration for your college project- and if you have boy does it show. Where is exactly is this big day out? What's big about it? A guy threatens 3 guys with a gun as he's seemingly so desperate to get his son- to then be taken to him, ask him politely why he's a naughty boy- to then not get a straight answer and then walk out!!!
Have you read it yourself? I suggest you do so at least a few times and ask yourself what you think of it. Try thinking of a decent story before writing a script- that's as constructive as I can be about it. I can't see it being improved upon- I'd ditch it and start again.
Kev owens:
All valid criticisms, it must be said. I just think your wrong. I'll try to address each point:
He asks him so politely because that is the nature of there relationship; its completely warped. He is so apparently angry and desperate to get to him and so polite to him at the same time due to a build up over years of emotional baggage. It is the fathers authoritarian approach to Clarence versus clearances form of rebellion against him were the drama lies. Its classic thesis-antithesis. It is a case study if-you-will of this ****** up relationship. It might not seem plausible to you but such relationships do exist. I do agree that the ending is somewhat weak, but I'll work on that. I'm sure that more people on this board will agree with you than me, but I don't care.
If you can imagine what I've just said, only camply exaggerated ?la "Batman", that's what I'm going for.
Is it commercial?
No.
Does it appeal to the majority of people?
No.
So, to summarise, its a well written piece of sh?t.
Well Peter, since you accepted the criticisms and defended it I can tell that you obviously have more behind this than you're letting on. Your reasons make sense, the problem is that the script should convey this to the reader, you shouldn't have to explain it.
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Ok then, here's my opinion; as it's short and you wish to get alot across I think you've wasted alot of time on the beginning focusing on these 3 guys in the bar, who you're actually saying aren't important to the story. Why not cut down all the description of them at the begining and extraneous dialogue and get it moving quicker- think of the pace. Could you lose the 1st scene? Perhaps start in Shingles' office?He is so apparently angry and desperate to get to him and so polite to him at the same time due to a build up over years of emotional baggage.
You need more emphasis on the last scene, where it's important. Therefore use most of your time here. Becasue it ends so suddenly I felt cheated! You didn't give it a chance to get going or give this 'thesis-antithesus' space to breathe! And if you are going to get a camp, weird and exagerrated feel to it then give it more time to do so, else it'll be lost on the audience. It was the title that drew me into reading it in the first place as I expected some sort of weird comedy or some high-concept type of thing- but as it is it just totally lost me.
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Good for you!Is it commercial?
No.
Does it appeal to the majority of people?
No.
So, either read this and ignore me, take some in, whatever, I really hope it helps and good luck with it Peter. [img]graemlins/thumbs_up.gif[/img]
<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ November 24, 2003 07:36 PM: Message edited by: Kev Owens ]</font>
Its refreshing to get such constructive criticism. I'll know on thurday weather or not its going to be made(it will be shot on super16, B&W). The script came with extensive character analysis and a well drawn storyboard, so hopefully that conveys what I am going for better then I myself did. I've taken in all that you said. I more or less agree with you. If and when it gets made I'll probably be asked to do a re draft for the reasons you listed and more.
The reason I posted this was because to me this all makes perfect sense in the context of my life experience. To other people it just might sound weird or pointlessly obscure. I needed to know that it made sense to someone who lacked that context, and I think the virdict is: It only kinda works as it is. Its not finished
Thanks
im sorry to say i didnt get as far as the end becos the maybes kept putting me off...
"we take maybe ten seconds to soak up the atmosphere"
"The back room is decorated with tacky neon lights and lots of commercial imagery like maybe a playboy bunny"
Lose the maybes straight away! Why should i bother to follow the story if even you dont even know whats going on.
From as far as i got i think you have a good writing style. But you need to cut back abit. I like some of the little details you add, they create the atmosphere but there is far too much description in places. Im the complete opposite... i just give a really dry "A does this B does that" style of writing. You should give me your extra decription!
I cant comment on your narrative cos like i said i didnt read it all.
Oh and like someone said... put some spaces in the script.
actually,its formated perfectly, it just got screwed up when I copy pasted. Thanks
actually, no one said it was incorrectly formated, just that it needed spaces on here
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